Esther

Dear Disappointment, you’re the worst.

October was busier than I expected it to be. Every single day was filled with an agenda, including weekends. Weekends either held church events or family gatherings and to say that I had my hands full is an understatement. It was fine at first, until I began going to bed with tears in my eyes frequently. I couldn’t understand why I was crying in the first place. I soon realized that besides the fatigue and exhaustion playing a huge part in my emotions, I just felt so spent from feeling disappointed. I felt disappointed toward my family, my fiancé, my ministry, my workplace, and just plain disappointed at particular outcomes. There was nothing significant that led to this…just small moments of not expecting what was to come, or maybe even, expecting too much.

I lost joy in many things. Work and ministry felt like a chore. Going to Bible studies felt like an obligation and I soon began to dread it every week. I was moved to tears way too easily and realized that my temper was one out of selfishness, not righteous anger. I found myself waking up, eager for it to be night time so that I could just go back to sleep. I couldn’t remember the last time I spent quality time with anymore – even quality time with myself.

After another night filled with tears, I read this verse: “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, and give thanks in all circumstances.” Was I rejoicing always? Not really. Was I praying without ceasing? Not quite. Did I give thanks in all circumstances? Definitely not. In my heart, I knew that the One who would never disappoint me was near. I had allowed my hope and expectations to be placed in others and it was completely unfair and wrong of me to hold my loved ones, and myself, to those standards. I knew that expecting sinful, broken people to meet all of my needs was unrealistic, and that was a hard pill to swallow. Hard, because it was a battle between my heart and my mind. I knew in my mind that I was in the wrong to hold others to impossible expectations, but my heart still felt bruised from the hurt.

It took (and still takes) a process of reflections, humility, prayer, and meditation of God’s word to put my pride and hurt aside and choose grace and love. Give thanks in all circumstances. I was completely exhausted – physically and mentally, but God has used 1 Corinthians 1:10 as a reminder to be thankful no matter what. Work stresses me out and leaves me feeling anxious, but I’m thankful to have a job. Jasmine and Nathan’s reception brought a lot of hard labor, but I’m thankful I have a sister. Being part of the skit was time consuming, but I’m thankful I was a vessel in telling the story of the Andrianoffs. Being a treasurer has been the most difficult job – bringing with it a large amount of strain and worry, but I’m thankful I’ve been able to serve my youth in this way. The only time E and I have together is when we are doing work together, but I’m thankful I get to do it in his presence.

Disappointment is a real thing. I would even go so far as to declare that it’s one of the worst feelings ever, but disappointment exists and there’s no way to avoid it. October has been the month of pointing me back to Christ, the One who never changes, the One who is constant, the One who knows what’s best for me, the One that is sovereign.