Oh, memory lane –
nostalgic, cringy, dreamy – it’s a big pot of emotions and another reminder of
how desperately I need God’s grace.
Five years ago, I
was trying to navigate through life. I was caught in a mess of my own emotions
and my heart was an open wound. Dramatic, but true. I needed truth, but
couldn’t handle it. I wanted someone to listen to me, but felt misunderstood.
To plainly say it – I was in a rough spot. Five years ago, I was barely on
speaking terms with my parents and I used so many things to fill up the void in
my heart. You can only imagine how much collateral damage I caused.
Praise God that at
the age of 26, God has refined me.
For one, I cry at
almost anything, guys. It happens anywhere at any time and the struggle to
contain my tears has been a real one! Five years ago, I would’ve never shed a
tear – I wasn’t easily moved and truth be told, crying made me feel so
vulnerable that I avoided it at all costs. Fast forward to today, I can’t even
stop the tears even if I wanted to. Even my brother has begun saying, “Omg, are
you crying again?!” I’m all too familiar with that lump in my throat – it
doesn’t matter the occasion, sad or happy! Nonetheless, I’m truly so thankful
for this. I’m glad that God has enabled me to feel without shame or pride. The softening of my heart was
something that needed to happen and God definitely made it possible.
I remember feeling
like such a failure and disappointment as a daughter, friend, and student. If I
could, I would tell my 21 year old self, “Who you are is not a disappointment!” But God used all those feelings of failure
and wrote a beautiful story out of them. I love who God has molded me to be now
– confident, independent, and secure in Him. I’m always reminded of the famous
“Footsteps in the Sand”. Instead of two sets of footprints walking side by
side, there has only been one pair of footprints in the sand and that is Jesus
Christ with me in his arms. How beautiful is that?
I still have many
flaws and continue to miss the mark, but man, my heart is so full of joy when I
reflect on how God has changed me. He’s made me a better listener and has
opened the door for me to genuinely care for others. My hardships have made it
possible for me to deeply understand and lovingly demonstrate compassion.
Five years ago, my
mentor told me, “God is creating you to be a deeper person, Esther. You don’t
want to stay a shallow person.” A deeper person, I’ve truly become.
A special homage
to my friends – Vic, Heaven, and Mai – I can’t imagine how hard it was to love
me, but thank you for choosing to do so. You displayed the love of Christ and
words cannot explain the priceless value I find in our friendship.
BUT! I would say I
am so very much the same Esther: chill, easygoing, and joyful! I still laugh at
anything. I’m silly and dorky. I still snooze my alarm every morning (that
sadly hasn’t changed, ha) and I still talk about socially inappropriate topics
like farting and pooping. There is so much sharpening left to happen, but I
rest in the confident hope that God will continue to mold me according to His
perfect, flawless and complete will for His glory.
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