It's tough to talk about the hard things. The things that bring your flaws to light, the things that hurt your feelings, the things that make you put your pride to death - it's never easy.
I grew up in a loving family. Growing up, I never once doubted that my parents and brother loved me. In fact, I was blessed enough to always have confidence in their love even when we faced disagreements and frustrations. As loving as my family was and is though, one area that we are weak in is communication - mainly, having those difficult conversations. Oh, we definitely had those, but not as often as we should've. I've inherited the family trait of shutting down, building my high wall, and sealing my lips in times of disappointment and hurt. I never knew how much of hindrance it would be in my relationships with others.
By the grace of God, I'm learning to find the courage to just simply talk. It can be so hard for me to talk about my feelings - almost impossible. I'm reminded of a time when I was deeply hurt and E asked me what was wrong. My attempt to sound as unemotional as I could was pathetic when I said, "I don't want to talk about it right now." God bless my fiance, who lovingly and gently told me, "We have to talk about it."
Throughout the past couple of months, God has been bringing this theme into this season of my life: finding the courage to talk about these things - the burdensome, heavy things. Remaining silent has its consequences and I've had to carry some of them. True, some things are better left unsaid, but most things should be spoken out loud in love. God desires reconciliation between us and Him as well as with everyone around us. Reconciliation can't exist if communication doesn't.
Simply said, I just can't talk. I know, I know, guys! That's it? But it's the honest truth. I want to talk, I want to share my heart and pour out my heart, but it seems that almost every time, those words are lodged in my throat with no intention of coming out. At the end of the day, it's all about being vulnerable: will they love me if I share my insecurities? Will they accept me if I confess my flaws? Will they understand me when I try to explain? Will they forgive me when I apologize with my whole heart?
Courage, the Lord tells me. They're never meant to be easy, but man do they exemplify the love of Christ. So moment by moment, I've learned to receive strength and courage from the Lord to not just have these conversations, but to initiate them. And I've received the blessing of having these talks - freedom, reconciliation, and grace. I hope I can encourage you guys to have those hard conversations - to talk about the things that weigh your heart. I hope those conversations will be spoken out of love, gentleness, and that it's rooted from good intent and that through it all you experience the priceless, undeserving, but free gift of grace from Jesus.
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