You hear a lot about it these days - the dreaded postpartum depression or the common onset of baby blues. Women these days have definitely been a lot more vocal in sharing their experience with PPD or the baby blues so I was already highly aware that it could be something I would experience after having Eli.
Coming up on my fourth week of postpartum, I can definitely say that I experienced the baby blues, especially during my first and second week of postpartum. The first week was the hardest. I didn't feel it while we were at the hospital because everything was just so new and you're in a different environment, but the moment we were discharged and came home, I felt it. Boy, was it hard.
I'm not sure how to describe it. To me, it really was like an out of body experience. I didn't "feel" like me if that made sense. I just felt different. The first week home also brought an onset of extreme anxiety. Like, anxiety I've never had or felt before. Most of the anxiety was because I just wanted my son to survive. It sounds silly, but it was so hard for me to sleep at night because I wanted to make sure that Eli was breathing during his sleep. I felt worried about every little sound he made and couldn't stop obsessing over whether he was healthy and okay. And I was just so sad. The sadness would just hit me out of nowhere and sometimes there was no reason to explain why I felt miserable. Now that I'm four weeks out, I'm glad that I was able to realize early on that my anxieties were more on the irrational side.
Baby blues also caused an onset of breakdowns. I'm pretty sure that I cried every day for about a week and a half. These weren't just light tears, mind you. Every crying session had me sobbing in full blown out tears. They were tears of being tired, anxious, overwhelmed, and just feeling not like myself. I was fully aware that most of these tears were the cause of my hormones trying to regulate themselves so I felt no shame about crying. E was also a huge encouragement during these rough moments. He would hug me, acknowledge my feelings, and speak words of comfort to me. It meant the world and was truly a healing balm to my confused mind and heart. I just remember telling E over and over again, "I can't wait till I feel like myself again."
The baby blues unfortunately made me very sensitive towards what people said to me. Small comments about how to dress my baby, how to keep my baby warm, or how to not hold my baby so often would make me feel defensive and irritable which....you guessed it, would later on lead to tears. As a mother, I'm definitely more aware of how to speak to postpartum moms now. Of course these comments come from a loving heart and many people say them to you because they care for you and baby, but I've also realized that these comments may not always be beneficial to whoever the advice is given to. I had to learn, and I still am learning today, how to be prayerful about my thoughts, words, and actions when I am feeling sensitive towards the things people say to me. Despite my hormones being a huge cause of why I feel the way I feel, I know that I can still handle these things in a gracious and kind manner.
Now almost four weeks out, I can confidently say that I am feeling more like myself each day. I will occasionally feel down, or have moments of doubt, and I will definitely have a good cry once in a while, but these things are nothing compared to the rush of emotions during the first two weeks of postpartum. The lack of sleep also doesn't help, but God has been good. With each passing day, I'm learning so much more about Eli and how to love and care for him. Experiencing the baby blues was and is tough, but it really made me depend on God more instead of my own knowledge. I remember jokingly sharing with my mom how I was so anxious to sleep at night because I wanted to make sure Eli was okay and my mom gently speaking to Eli, "You're okay because God is watching over you and protecting you." It was a great and much needed reminder to me to realize that God loves Eli more than I do. I can do everything that I can to ensure that Eli is safe and healthy, but it truly is the Lord who has ultimate control over my son. What a humbling realization that I needed to surrender to Him! This is something that I am still working on to this very day.
All that to say, God has been good. I knew that postpartum was tough, but nothing prepares you for it until you actually go through it. God has been my great comforter and sustainer during this time and it's with a heart full of gratitude that I am feeling better with each coming day.
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